Why do I not feel pretty?

>> Saturday, January 15, 2011



Melissa, my friend, commented to me about why I do not feel pretty.  So, I'm thinking outloud here and maybe I will get some feedback that helps as well.

Hmm..  well, it starts that I was a size double zero and weighed 97 lbs during my first pregnancy.  I lost enough of the weight that the baby, Hope, was born Feb 1st and by Easter I was wearing a size Small tee shirt.  I have pictures is why I know - it was a band tee shirt.  One I had worn before pregnancy and I had on some shorts.
My first husband (yes, I'm divorced - my  husband chose another woman while we were married and even as I begged he filed for divorce) used to tell me I was "obese" when I weighed 136 lbs and was a size 5 or 7 depending on fluctuation.  So, I felt obese.  He was young and I do not blame him for any of this.  I'm just making observations of why I might feel this way.  
Of course his choosing another woman who was running 3 miles a day and had a very small waistline didn't help.  (yes, he brought her to my house not telling me it was her after we had seperated, later I figured it out and a family  member slipped to confirm.)  OK, again, not blaming him - just another hit to my feelings on my looks.

I grew up feeling I was very beautiful because I was so tiny.  Everyone in my family on Mom's side is thin.  My sisters are all skinny.  I was the skinniest one and now I weigh more than each of them does by measure.
In myself, I guess I am realizing that I may base my "pretty" or "not pretty" on my weight.  I do not judge others on their weight tho.  That is weird.  I need to lose weight right now and so at this point I disgust myself.  I don't like to look in a mirror and I hate trying on clothes.  I feel angry and disappointed in myself.  I feel like a failure and I feel like the ugly duckling.

My husband thinks I am "gorgeous, beautiful."
I just don't believe that and feel he wants to make me feel good.
Boy, maybe I shouldn't even be writing this post.
It's not "encouraging" and it's showing a very deep inner part of me I like to keep very hidden.

I know beauty is skin deep.  I know it's not what's on the outside that counts.  I know all those things.  But for me, towards myself - IT MATTERS.
I guess what I need to do to feel "pretty" again is just lose the weight.

I'm sure this is more than anyone wanted to read.
This is the most transparent it gets.

Tears are surging down my face now.
Anyone else ever felt this way?

10 comments:

A Homemaker's Heart January 15, 2011 at 11:26 PM  

((((MEGA HUGS))))) Dear friend, I'm so sorry that you are struggling. Please know that you ARE beautiful, both inside and out.

I pray that you will look inside and see the beauty that others see. Allow the Lord to give you His precious sight.

Praying! Email me if you need to talk.

Jenny January 16, 2011 at 3:26 AM  

You are beautiful!

It is strange because I judge myself so harshly on how I look but would never dream of doing the same to other people. If someone pays me a compliment I just can't believe it and put it down to them being nice.

I too am trying to lose weight but I am trying even harder to separate my self worth from my appearance. I don't have to be beautiful to be kind and I don't have to be thin to be loved.

Thank you so much for being honest! So often I feel like I am the only one struggling with this.

Jenny

Missionfieldof5 January 16, 2011 at 1:18 PM  

Ok, now there is some insight as to the thoughts that you are feeding yourself...

First off, you have let yourself believe a lie from your ex-husband....who would have said anything to hurt your feelings in order to get out of the marriage....he was not looking at you with eyes of Christ....you also have to offer up forgiveness for the fact that he chose another woman that was more slender than yourself...there is bitterness there...get it out...or be tied to the lies of Satan....

Second....you are expecting that you should automatically return to a pre-pregnancy weight as is fed to us by magazines and other media sources....this is not a truth either.

In order to make forward progress, there needs to be forgiveness of sins against you...no bitterness for comments made about your weight, you need to repent for being bitter about your weight gain in comparison to your sisters....there is bitterness there that you are now not as slender as them....not that you are bitter at them, but bitter at yourself...which is misplaced as well.

You have to also understand that and forgive whoever for not teaching you where beauty comes from and for letting you think that it was tied to your body weight....sometimes it is just overlooked and just never assumed that it would be an issue.

Where you need to get is to realize that it is never ever going to be about the weight...no matter how much weight you lose, that is not the true essence of why you are beautiful...you are beautiful because of the way God created you...You are beautiful because of the light that radiates out from your eyes, your smile...
you are not going to be beautiful because you lost the weight and then within a year or two the weight is back because you have not dealt with deeper issues....yes??? Beauty is not on the surface....Beauty is one who takes care of herself, who is healthy, who is spiritually healthy...it is not tied to a number on a scale...One who regularly exercises and eats to feeling full but not stuffed....can be just as beautiful in a size 6, 8, 10, 12 as the other one who is the size 2.

Being angry at yourself, is not following in God's light...repent of it and seek God's help to turn those thoughts around.


Lastly, humble yourself and apologize to your husband for not believing him....he is the one person who would not lie to you...he is looking at you with eyes of Christ....he loves you for who you are and that is the beautiful, wonderful woman that he married that has borne his children and he loves every bit of you. He is not saying it just to make you feel good. If you ask him for help and encouragement with changing your lifestyle if that is what you desire.

I hope you understand all that I have said...I wish I could be there in person to help wipe away those tears and give you a hug.

Missionfieldof5 January 16, 2011 at 1:21 PM  

I have problems with my weight as well...I started out at 120 when we were married...by child two when I was preg. I was 130...child 3 I was 130 as well. By child 5 I was 140...and still had a little pride that when I averaged it out over the years I had been married and the amount of children...I hadn't gained that much...This last pregnancy...started out at 140 gained that 25 pounds to 30 pounds and lost it all and was actually down to 136....Yahoo...I couldn't believe I was back into the 130's ....but I was prideful about it...mentioned it to friends that I had lost all the weight and then some...3 months later...I had gained 20 pounds back...it has not left...I am starting out this pregnancy at 156...acck...that is difficult for me..but, like you I have a husband that tells me I am beautiful...I thank the Lord for giving me him as my husband! I also know that this is a season of life that I am in right now...there will be a time when I have more time to get more diligent exercise in than I do now....so we all struggle with issues...numbers are relative....its not a world out there of well you only have to lose x amount....it doesn't make it any easier no matter the situation...

((Hugs)))

p.s....don't you have me on your dashboard...by following my blog....you'll have to go back to the post in Dec. about the Christmas Blessing...to read about my announcement!!

I had to post this part separately....it said my last post was too large...lol
Love you!!

Cassidy January 16, 2011 at 1:54 PM  

I truly harbor no bitterness to my ex or the girl he committed adultry with. I dealt with that for a long time and finally have been over that for some time. But you are right, completely when you say I am bitter with myself. I am. I feel like a failure and that makes me bitter. I feel like a failure in a lot of ways that make me bitter. I'm not chipper to hop up and make a big meal - I do as I have to because I have a family to feed. Part of that issue is that I do not know how to cook very well. I don't even read recipes well that have a word in them I do not understand. My medications have also caused weight gain and I resent having to take them tho being over weight is better than being in the floor with another grand mal seizure where I come to and have no idea who my own children are. Still, I feel like a failure because I have to take it. I NEVER had self esteem issues growing up because I was so skinny. I guess I actually did because I focused on being as tiny as I could. Thus the double zero size. I got a lot of positive attention for being so "itty bitty." The guys I dated liked it. Everyone thought I was beautiful and I was one of the most popular girls in school. I look back and realize that part of that was personality but a big part of it (in my eyes) is that I was so teeny. I ruined my metabolism tho because I rarely ate food. Now, to lose weight, it seems I have to go on starvation mode to lose it. Then again, re-ruining my metabolism or not giving it a chance. I love my husband and think he is incredibly handsome and he is a lot heavier now than when we married. More so than me. See, I compare even. I do have a lot of issues to work out and Melissa you are helping a lot by pointing me to the truth. I am happy with who I am on the inside in that I do seek the Lord, read the word, and do my best to live it out daily and also be examples to my husband and children. I know God is alive in me and I see His hand moving daily sometimes so much so that I am blown away and can't keep from smiling. I am so happy with that part of me tho it is not due to me... it's is due ONLY TO CHRIST. I have to learn where to find my satisfaction in who I am. I know I have to find it in Jesus....but I don't know how. For too long it's been superficial. Wow, I can't believe I have posted this issue here. I am embarrassed by it but if it will help me get past it.......it was worth being vulnerable.
Thank you to everyone and Melissa, thank you for taking time to show me the truth bit by bit.
I am SO happy you are having another little one!
Cass

Cassidy January 16, 2011 at 1:56 PM  

Tamara, I pray for God's eyes too. That would be healing salve. Thank you for your prayers always.

Jenny, I'm so sorry you deal with this too. It's not something I wish someone else dealt with.

Love, Cass

Tami January 16, 2011 at 9:34 PM  

well you know i think you're beautiful! and i know you think i am :) BUT i know exactly how you feel cuz i feel that way too.
i sure wish you were back here!

Cassidy January 17, 2011 at 9:46 AM  

Yes and I miss you Tami! <3

Michelle G January 18, 2011 at 8:04 AM  

It has been many years since I was "tiny" for sure. But I think the feeling can be the same for any woman at any size. What I finally realized was that my self worth was being shown to my daughter. My little "internal dialogues" weren't always internal. . . sometimes I was saying them loud and clear with an ugly face or rolling eyes when someone gave me a compliment.
I realized one day that my daughter was doing the same thing and I NEVER wanted her to learn that from me!
My husband says "no one is as hard on you as YOU are hard on you" ...suddenly it made sense when I saw my daughter following in my footsteps.
I don't want her self-worth based on her weight - her size - her hair style - her fashion sense...and I realized when I was telling her "You are a beautiful young girl - God sees your loving heart - he doesn't want you to listen to evil lies - You are his precious daughter - He LOVES you with an uncomparable LOVE - He thinks you are PERFECT" I needed to listen to my own advice.
I did NOT want to pass on a legacy of self-hate (as hard as that has been for me! I struggle daily with it for sure!!!)
Good luck - blessings to you!
Michelle

Mrs. Stam January 18, 2011 at 2:11 PM  

beauty is fleeting, charm is deceptive but a women who fear the lord is to be praised!

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