>> Saturday, January 15, 2011
Melissa, my friend, commented to me about why I do not feel pretty. So, I'm thinking outloud here and maybe I will get some feedback that helps as well.
Hmm.. well, it starts that I was a size double zero and weighed 97 lbs during my first pregnancy. I lost enough of the weight that the baby, Hope, was born Feb 1st and by Easter I was wearing a size Small tee shirt. I have pictures is why I know - it was a band tee shirt. One I had worn before pregnancy and I had on some shorts.
My first husband (yes, I'm divorced - my husband chose another woman while we were married and even as I begged he filed for divorce) used to tell me I was "obese" when I weighed 136 lbs and was a size 5 or 7 depending on fluctuation. So, I felt obese. He was young and I do not blame him for any of this. I'm just making observations of why I might feel this way.
Of course his choosing another woman who was running 3 miles a day and had a very small waistline didn't help. (yes, he brought her to my house not telling me it was her after we had seperated, later I figured it out and a family member slipped to confirm.) OK, again, not blaming him - just another hit to my feelings on my looks.
I grew up feeling I was very beautiful because I was so tiny. Everyone in my family on Mom's side is thin. My sisters are all skinny. I was the skinniest one and now I weigh more than each of them does by measure.
In myself, I guess I am realizing that I may base my "pretty" or "not pretty" on my weight. I do not judge others on their weight tho. That is weird. I need to lose weight right now and so at this point I disgust myself. I don't like to look in a mirror and I hate trying on clothes. I feel angry and disappointed in myself. I feel like a failure and I feel like the ugly duckling.
My husband thinks I am "gorgeous, beautiful."
I just don't believe that and feel he wants to make me feel good.
Boy, maybe I shouldn't even be writing this post.
It's not "encouraging" and it's showing a very deep inner part of me I like to keep very hidden.
I know beauty is skin deep. I know it's not what's on the outside that counts. I know all those things. But for me, towards myself - IT MATTERS.
I guess what I need to do to feel "pretty" again is just lose the weight.
I'm sure this is more than anyone wanted to read.
This is the most transparent it gets.
Tears are surging down my face now.
Anyone else ever felt this way?